Remembering Her

The computer plays For All of My Life, the MYMP version, and, emotional as it is, it reminds me of something--oh yes, someone--bringing me back to memory lane, to my own points of sentimentality and wax nostalgia. Sometimes, thinking that you have been strong and have been able to move on throughout the years of separation, of both consciously and unconsciously forgetting that person who has been a huge part of your maturity, sensibility, and life in general, is still not enough to wash off from memory the fact that you and that person is connected forever, whether you like it or not.

I remember her today. Or maybe the feeling of loving someone, of being with someone---someone who, at the end of a grueling and lonely day, you can look forward to with a pleasant conversation, a warm hug, a passionate kiss, or even a simple yet snug smile. Maybe we have been separated for years, but the fact is that I am still grounded on the fact that I have been too comfortable with her, that I have been too familiar with her, that finding someone, or being in a relationship with some other person, will still rekindle whatever relationship I have had with her in the past.

And how songs remind me of her. Her pleasant voice, her ability to captivate love in her own version of piano music, her sweet and thoughtful acts, her gentle--and sometimes coy--manners, her hugs, her messages that sometimes strike that perfect chord in my heart or fire up my chagrin, her cheap thrills like fishball and kwek-kwek--I miss all of these, and this, even, may be an understatement, for everything, when it comes to her, will always be an understatement. Loving, in essence, is an understatement.

I would want to think that I have moved on, that I have set aside my emotions for her; that after those endless kiss-and-make-ups, those letups and letdowns, those emotionally draining personal melodramas, I am ready to face my own track and go about my own way. But no--admittedly, I am still stuck with her, mainly because of the years and experiences that we have shared, that have connected us, painstakingly or not.

Perhaps all of these musings are one-sided; this is, after all, just my side. Probably, she doesn't feel the same way, as she uses to claim. And however assuming I may sound, I do want to contradict her. For both voice and actions can easily deceive; but not the heart, nor the eyes, as if afraid to fray, to be inconsistent with what the mouth says. I know that deep inside, it is still there, drifting by the shores of her heart, as it does in mine.

I am just sad that everything won't be the same again. No one wants to initiate. No one wants to express. No one wants to admit whatever is deep inside him/her. And possibly, this ends everything. After all, it seemed that everything was over between the two of us three years ago, when we broke-up.

The only painful thing about it is that, after three years of parting ways, I am still hurting, that I am still affected by whatever things happened to our lives, to our personal selves. It pains me whenever I hear negative things about her, about how she has become after our separation. It still strikes me, up to this day, whenever I think of the unresolved issues between the two us.

These things--including her--make me sad, because my emotions about love and, indeed, life are greatly affected and moved by whatever we have had in the past. Though I won't deny that the pleasant memories with, and of, her are still one of the things that make me shed a smile, a twinge of bitterness still enters me from time to time, piercing my heart and breaking it into smithereens.

Maybe I am the one who's not able to move on, and she perfectly did! Perhaps, between the two of us, I am, ironically, the one who is truly and madly and deeply engrossed with the situation. And the thing is, I can't do anything about it, because I know for myself that she won't believe and listen to my words, my statements, my actions. I can't blame her, of course. Undeniably, I have hurt her in the past, both physically and emotionally, and have taken a lot from her, of her. And definitely, likewise, she has also gotten a lot from me, emotionally speaking.

Why am I thinking about her, about these matters, about our past? Why is she still able to crash my heart, my mind? How come she still passes by my thoughts, my own personal moments? Personally, I really do not know. To this date, it's a question that has an improbable answer. Perhaps the answer is still building up somewhere in the horizon. Or maybe, there is, will be, no an answer at all.

All I just wish is that I could still patch things up with her. It has been three years, and yet, we are still not in good terms. And it's hard, as if nothing good has come our way before.

Maybe in the right time, we'll be able to mend our hearts in our own perpetual sunshine. Maybe with the right reason, we'll be able to understand our own points, in our own shot of platonic love. I think we could still be together, as friends. This I think will happen in what other people claim as, "God's perfect time!"